IF I HAD NOT BEEN FOR MOVIES

Things you would never know

if it weren't

for the movies...

Large, loft apartments in New

York City are

plentiful and affordable, even if

the tenants are

unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins

is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a

bomb, don't worry

about which wire to cut. You

will always choose

the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are

greatly outnumbered

in a fight involving martial arts.

Your enemies will

wait patiently to attack you one

by one... dancing

around in a threatening

manner until you have

dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to

go to bed,

everything in your bedroom

will still be clearly

visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it

is possible to be a

world-famous expert on

nuclear fission, dinosaurs,

hieroglyphics, or anything else,

at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working

policemen are usually

gunned down a day or two

before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets,

megalomaniacs

prefer to kill their enemies

using complex

machinery involving fuses,

deadly gasses, lasers,

buzz saws and hungry sharks,

all of which will

give their captives at least 20

minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations,

it is necessary to

visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped

covers that reach

up to the armpits of a woman

but only to the

waist of the man lying beside

her.

All grocery shopping bags

contain at least one

French bread and one bunch

of carrots with leafy

tops.

It's easy to land a plane,

providing there is

someone in the control tower

to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your

makeup never rubs off,

even while scuba-diving or

fighting aliens.

However if you are overweight,

your mascara will

run and your lipstick will

smear.

The ventilation system of any

building is the

perfect hiding place. No one

will ever think of

looking for you in there, and

you can travel to any

other part of the building

without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any

battle in any war

unless you make the mistake

of showing someone

a picture of your sweetheart

back home.

Should you wish to pass

yourself off as a German

officer, it is not necessary to

speak the language.

A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while

taking the most

horrific beating, but will wince

when a woman

tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house,

women must

investigate any strange noises

in their most

diaphanous underwear, which

is what they

happened to be wearing when

the car broke

down.

If someone says "I'll be right

back", they won't.

Even when driving down a

perfectly straight road,

it is necessary to turn the

steering wheel from

time to time.

All bombs are fitted with

electronic timing devices

with large red readouts so you

know exactly when

they're going to go off.

A police detective can only

solve a case after he

has been suspended from

duty.

If you decide to start dancing

in the street,

everyone around you will be

able to mirror all the

steps you come up with, and

hear the music in

your head.

Police departments give their

officers personality

tests to make sure each is

assigned a partner who

is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all

foreigners prefer to

speak English to each other.

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