One day, Pete complained to his friend ''My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the K50 000
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow. 2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. 3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the K50 000. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
''COMFORTABLE'
Two sisters,one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow.
------------> COM-FOR-DA-BUL
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow.
------------> COM-FOR-DA-BUL
'The Tea Set'
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift,and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
I was maybe 2 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift,and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH?
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you by the Messiah Jesus to his eternal glory, will RESTORE you, ESTABLISH you, STRENGTHEN you, and SUPPORT you. 1 Peter 5:10
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Sometimes you get tired, very tired, but just as God knows how much you can take, He also knows what He has to do to get you back to where you need to be. That is why the scripture is so important. He says He is going to restore you. So even though you are tired, your restoration is right around the corner.
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Sometimes you get tired, very tired, but just as God knows how much you can take, He also knows what He has to do to get you back to where you need to be. That is why the scripture is so important. He says He is going to restore you. So even though you are tired, your restoration is right around the corner.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
We serve a supernatural God!
He is not limited by anything or anyone and He’s ready to do the impossible in your life today through His supernatural power.
The word “supernatural” means different things to different people. Some people see it as make believe. Others think of dark, strange events which can cause fear and uncertainty. While many Christians believe in the “supernatural,” they believe in it for someone else.
Throughout the Bible, we find people who received a supernatural touch from God that brought healing, joy, restoration and a purpose for living. We see God supernaturally empowering people to rise above and to walk in victory.
This same supernatural power is available to you right now!
God didn’t reserve His supernatural power only for the people mentioned in the Bible or for presidents or kings. God’s constantly doing the impossible in your life. He’s so loving and wants to bless you in amazing ways. In 2 Peter 1:3, the apostle said it this way, “By His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the one who called us to Himself by means of His marvelous glory and excellence” (NLT).
Isn’t that incredible? You don’t need to be stressed, or worried or afraid. You don’t have to wonder if you’re a “good enough” Christian to receive it. It has nothing to do with what you did or will ever do. By His divine (supernatural) power, God has given you everything you need.
Don’t trust in your strength, your skills, or your talents. Trust in God!
When we live this way — when we admit we’re not strong enough, smart enough, talented enough — we open ourselves to God’s supernatural help. You do not have to be limited by your own natural abilities any longer!
Expect God’s supernatural touch in your life. When you see it and realize how incredible it truly is, His supernatural touch will change your life.
JOEL & VICTORIA OSTEEN
He is not limited by anything or anyone and He’s ready to do the impossible in your life today through His supernatural power.
The word “supernatural” means different things to different people. Some people see it as make believe. Others think of dark, strange events which can cause fear and uncertainty. While many Christians believe in the “supernatural,” they believe in it for someone else.
Throughout the Bible, we find people who received a supernatural touch from God that brought healing, joy, restoration and a purpose for living. We see God supernaturally empowering people to rise above and to walk in victory.
This same supernatural power is available to you right now!
God didn’t reserve His supernatural power only for the people mentioned in the Bible or for presidents or kings. God’s constantly doing the impossible in your life. He’s so loving and wants to bless you in amazing ways. In 2 Peter 1:3, the apostle said it this way, “By His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the one who called us to Himself by means of His marvelous glory and excellence” (NLT).
Isn’t that incredible? You don’t need to be stressed, or worried or afraid. You don’t have to wonder if you’re a “good enough” Christian to receive it. It has nothing to do with what you did or will ever do. By His divine (supernatural) power, God has given you everything you need.
Don’t trust in your strength, your skills, or your talents. Trust in God!
When we live this way — when we admit we’re not strong enough, smart enough, talented enough — we open ourselves to God’s supernatural help. You do not have to be limited by your own natural abilities any longer!
Expect God’s supernatural touch in your life. When you see it and realize how incredible it truly is, His supernatural touch will change your life.
JOEL & VICTORIA OSTEEN
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